Statistics
tell us for every “successful” suicide there are 25 failed attempts. I thank
God I was one of the failed ones.
It was my
first year in college and I was miserable. I felt like my dog Skunky was the
only one who loved me. I’d slept with my best friend’s boyfriend and really
hurt her. My mind was so messed up that I honestly didn’t think she’d really
care and it shocked me when she got angry and confronted me. I was so lonely
and distraught. I didn’t realize how out of touch I was with real life and
anything of importance. My heart ached and shriveled up deep within me. I was a
Bible-reading Christian but I just couldn’t seem to do anything right. I made
up my mind that everyone would be better off if I was dead.
I hitchhiked
out to Bolinas Beach where, in the high tide, the waves crash up against the
sharp vertical wall of rock at the edge of the beach. I wrapped myself in a
thin wool blanket with Skunky at my side and fell asleep, expecting the waves to
cover me and take my life.
The tide
never came in far enough to drown me. When I woke from a very long sleep it was
dark and I was cold, itchy and clammy, not from the ocean, but from the thick
wet fog and gritty sand that got in my hair and stuck to my skin. I picked up
my blanket and my dog and walked back up to the little beachside village and
hitched a ride home.
God rescued me
from suicide when my mind was so insane I hadn’t even thought about the fact
I’d be killing my sweet dog. My head just wasn’t right at all. No sudden
miracle but things did start to change little by little and my mind began to
heal. I stumbled many times and it was a rocky path to the truth and a more
sane way of thinking. I can’t say that I’ve never experienced depression and thoughts
of death since that time but I was never tempted by suicide again and I thank
God for that.
With the
recent death of a great American talent, Robin Williams, we’ve seen how
far-reaching the devastation can be when someone leaves us by way of suicide. I
don’t think we realize just how many people we influence in our lives. We’ve
all had a good uplifting impact on many more people than we’re aware of. And we
need to keep it up.
In light of
the current state of affairs which includes horrendous atrocities against
children in Iraq, horrific political decisions, the pressures of work and the
pressures of not having work, the realities of ageing, the death of family and
friends, our own personal failures, and so many other things, it’s hard not to
get depressed and want to give up hope. One person can only do so much, right?
But God needs us to keep hope alive.
With God
there is always an answer, always a way to get through things and a way to make
things better. And each little thing we do is important. Never give up. People
need you and love you. God knows your name and so do many others. You are
important and every day you live is valuable to others who will be blessed by
you in the future.
I pray the
devil spirit of suicide never comes near you and if it does, that God rescues
you like He did me.
Love,
Carolyn
This weekend
WINGS Part 2 is FREE to download. There are 14 short chapters on subjects
including THE QUEEN OF SHEBA WANTS GNOCCI, A SHIELD LIKE NO OTHER, EINSTEIN
KNEW, IT’S LIKE CALLING THE DOG, SINGING IN A LANGUAGE YOU DON’T KNOW and
WHAT’S A SPHINX HAVE TO DO WITH JESUS? Here’s the link:
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